In rulings legal experts are calling “appropriate,” two men were sentenced to jail terms today.

Sgt. Michael J. Smith, 24, tortured detainees at Abu Ghraib prison with his dog, a Belgian Shepard. (He is pictured in this famous photo.) Smith received six months jail time.

The very same day, Demetrius Frank Martinez from Washington state was convicted of selling cocaine five times to an undercover agent. Martinez received four years jail time.

“Justice — and God’s will — have been done,” stated one expert on the Fox News Channel. “My only regret is that the Mexican got off so easy. Save for keepin’ Mexicans off our shores, drugs are the biggest problem in the U.S. What Martinez did is unthinkable.”

Added the Fox News expert: “Ein Volk; Ein Reich; Ein Führer; Ein News Channel!”

So far, no senior military or Bush Administration officials have been punished for torture committed by U.S. forces.

Following a trend in corporate naming, the New York Yankees have been renamed the New York Goldman Sachses after a corporate buyout from Goldman Sachs investment bank.

“After last quarter’s record profit, we just didn’t know what to do with all our money,” Goldman Sachs CEO Hank Paulson explained at a press conference. “We saw what happened with Red Bull and the Metro Stars soccer team. So we bought and renamed what was then called the New York Yankees.”

“We had jokingly considered donating to charities that would help starving African majorities gain control over their local economies. Boy did we have a good laugh about that one. Let’s just say that buying and renaming the Yankees was a no-brainer.”

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner welcomed the move, citing “the profound importance of global marketing.” “We need to synergize our corporate interests to increase profitability and shareholder value,” he said.

But not everyone was happy with the name change. “This is really a shame,” said one analyst. “A more targeted name would have been better. Something like ‘The New York Goldman Sachs Trading and Principle Investments Divisions.’ The chosen name may increase brand awareness, but it may have a harder time reaching some of Goldman Sachs’s core clients.”

In an event being described as “civil,” Democrat U.S. Senator Hilary Clinton and The Dark Lord Satan debated the subtleties of the Iraq war yesterday, on the third anniversary of the U.S. invasion.

Satan began by expressing his unrelenting support for the war. “We must continue to fight the War On Terror. Freedom is on the march. The enemy is in retreat. But there are new challenges, and we must be ever vigilant.”

Satan added that he also “strongly supports” all other wars, “until a nuclear holocaust causes the Final Apocalypse for the human species, and the Endless Night of the Dark Lord will Descend Upon the Earth.”

In her rebuttal, Hilary Clinton expressed general agreement with Satan, but disagreed over the current strategy used by the Bush Administration.

“The War On Terror is a Glorious War,” she stated. “But for highly subtle reasons I won’t get into, we need a new administration running it — a Clinton administration, to be specific. But until it’s politically savvy, I’m going to refrain from discussing the war altogether, instead calling for small-scale domestic reform.”

Satan thanked Clinton for her candor, but insisted that the Bush administration was “perfect” for the job of creating “Lakes of Hell-Fire” throughout the Middle East.

“Your argument is sound,” Clinton responded directly to Satan, “but it’s slightly off with the specifics. We’ve killed tens or hundreds of thousands of terrorists — that is, Iraqi men, women, and children — so far, and that’s an important step towards reducing violence. But we simply need to be more subtle about it.”

Neither side seemed swayed by the end of the debate, at which point the two shook hands, and Satan disappeared into a ball of red fire.

Media analysts are divided on who won the debate. Some claim Clinton’s use of nuance was too much for Satan, while others say The Dark Lord’s “purist” approach gave Him the upper hand.

In a recent interview with the Jarusalem Post, Israeli Interim Prime Minister Ehud Olmert stated that “Whoever is involved personally and directly in terror is a [military] target.” His comments were directed towards Ismael Haniya, leader of the recently elected Hamas party in Palestine.

“Moreover,” Olmert continued, “you may be aware that I recently ordered an airstrike that killed two Palestinian children. For that reason, the Israeli military must also be prepared to take action against me, for national security reasons.

“We must ensure that I am a target if I continue my violence towards civilians,” Olmert added.

But Middle-Eastern affairs experts were skeptical that Olmert would actually launch a strike against himself. “It’s absurd, really,” said one Harvard professor. “Olmert’s got a nuclear armed military protecting him from attack. If Olmert tries to attack him [Olmert], he’ll be in for a big surprise.”

But U.S. President George Bush expressed support for the statement. “Olmert cannot be a partner in peace with perpetrators of terror, i.e., himself.”

The College Of New Jersey Ayn Rand Society, dedicated to promoting the works of ultra-capitalist Ayn Rand, has an extensive web page. The site details information on the group and provides links to other ultra-capitalists.

But there’s just one problem: the organization has no members.

“I’d love to join the TCNJ Ayn Rand Society,” explained one student. “It’s just that I don’t have a psychotic political philosophy.”

Ayn Rand, the late author, is famous for her so-called “objectivist” philosophy, which scorns the poor and handicapped while praising the dollar above all else.

Others were also disappointed in the low membership levels. According to one Junior, “if building giant dollar signs and then passionately worshipping them were my bag, then I totally would have signed up Freshman year. As it stands, I think I’ll join the acting club instead.”

With issues like abortion rights, eminent domain, and torture in the foreground for many concerned Americans, the U.S. Supreme Court has taken bold action:

“This court must settle the case involving former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith,” Chief Justice John Roberts solemnly declared this afternoon. “It’s something about an inheritance or whatever.”

Justice Alito agreed, remarking, “It is imperative that this broad appear in our hallowed halls at the earliest possible date, and that she spend as much time as possible with each justice. Only in this way can justice be served.”

Added Alito: “We must kill anything — and everything — except your unborn fetus.”

But Justice Clarence Thomas was most elated of all the Court’s members. “The Smith case is particularly interesting to this honorable court, as well as on a personal level,” he explained. “This may finally help resolve the issue of how that pubic hair appeared on my coke can.“

Neoconservatives lost their last inkling of realism today, scientists have discovered.

The event occurred when, according to Reuters, neoconservative U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stated that the U.S. “lags dangerously behind al Qaeda and other enemies in getting out information.”

According to one U.C. Berkeley sociology professor, Rumsfeld’s statement “completes [neoconservatives’] transition to complete, mind-numbing idiocy. There no longer exists a topic that neoconservatives can accurately describe.”

The Journal Nature agreed: “The U.S. routinely manipulates preferred foreign media outlets, controls foreign magazines and newspapers, and distributes flyers and leaflets abroad. It broadcasts radio propaganda into countries like Iraq. And it runs Voice of America, which broadcasts worldwide in forty-four languages.

“At best, Al Qaeda has email, instant messenger, and a few sympathetic satellite TV hosts. It has no official leader or base, and may not really exist.

“From a scientific standpoint,” Nature concluded, “it’s evident that Rumsfeld’s statement was the last straw for the sanity of neoconservatives.”

“We regret having become completely nuts-o,” Rumsfeld commented later. “Now if you’ll excuse me, we neocons have to invade more countries to stop war; and we’ve got lives to waste — to save lives.”

A U.S. Spokesperson has called the publication of newly obtained Abu Ghraib torture photos “irresponsible and unnecessarily provocative,” CNN is Reporting.

This is perhaps in contrast to actually committing torture, which is, according to top U.S. officials, just fine. U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales wrote that anti-torture laws are “obsolete,”¹ and worked to provide a legal framework for its use by U.S. forces.

Concern by the U.S. about the new photos results from the recent Muslim anger related to anti-Mohammed cartoons. Officials, at least publicly, don’t want to fan the flames. However, if that were really the case, perhaps they wouldn’t have sanctioned the torture in the first place.

St. Valentine, the martyred Roman priest known chiefly for his association with Valentine’s day, is under investigation for denying that sexual abstinence is appropriate until marriage.

“Valentine is currently under surveillance for unpatriotic speech and shooting heart-tipped love arrows,” admitted NSA Director LTG Keith B. Alexander. “In this modern age of terror, premarital sex cannot be tolerated. Terror. Sex. Terrorism. Sex. Is sex terror? Sex is terrorism. Obey.”

Shockingly, Valentine has not denied the charges. “There’s a little invention nowadays I like to call ‘the condom,’” he stated sarcastically. “Using these ‘condoms,’ people can enjoy sexual intercourse without so much worry about pregnancy and disease. Still concerned? Try a little number I like to call ‘birth control pills.’”

Leslee J. Unruh, founder of the pseudo-hip anti-love site abstinence.net, strongly disagreed. “Sex is impure, plain and simple,” she said. “If a penis enters your vagina — or a tongue enters your mouth — it’s safe to say that you’re a filthy little slut. Does Jesus let filthy little sluts like you into The Kingdom of Heaven? No.”

But St. Valentine remained unmoved: “As a Christian saint, I actually live in Heaven, so don’t even step to me on that, ‘cause you’ll get shot-the-fuck down. If God hated premarital sex so much, he wouldn’t have invented latex, the nuvo vaginal ring, or Depo-provera. Not to mention penises and vaginas. Suckaz!”

It is still unclear if formal charges will be filed.

The impeachment of President Bush, followed by the election of Centrist Democrat Hillary Clinton in 2008, would create a near-perfect world, announced liberal elites today at a Yale University discussion forum.

“On matters of national security, global capitalism, torture, and increasing the unfathomably large military budget, Bush is spot on,” explained one Harvard Law professor. “It’s just that, well, he’s too damned barefaced in promoting the U.S. imperialist agenda.

“God I love torture,” the professor concluded.

“Subtlety is key,” added a former John Kerry campaign manager. “And frankly: Bush has none of it, particularly when it comes to suppressing the civil liberties of U.S. residents while exploiting the resources of the international community. We need a liberal Democrat who can perform these same tasks with more finesse.”

Other panelists had a similar take. One Yale University administrator explained that “Subtlety must be combined with moderation. Keep up the good fight to funnel money from the poor to the rich, but pace yourself. Give them small victories, that they might lose the Great War. Hillary Clinton would understand. Things are out of whack now, but a Clinton Administration in ‘08 would fix just about everything.”

Neoconservative U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has been one-upped by Vladimir Zhirinovsky, leader of the Liberal Democratic Party of Russia.

Speaking in the newspaper Pravda, formerly a powerful Communist Party organ in the U.S.S.R., Zhirinovsky said that Rice “loses her reason because of her late single status.”

“Such women are very rough,” he continued. “They can be happy only when they are talked and written about everywhere…. Even if she had a whole selection of men to choose from she would stay single because her soul and heart have hardened.”

A U.S. State Department spokesman said Rice would not “dignify the article with a response.”¹ “Besides,” he stated, “Ms. Rice is busy defending the practice of torture. And don’t forget that patronizing, sexist remarks are an important component of Conservative Family Values.”

President Bush has called for an increase in violence to stop Muslim violence. “We reject violence as a way to express discontent with what may be printed in a free press,” said the President on Wednesday.¹

“But,” he clarified, “if you’ve got a discontent with what you see on Al Jazeera, then the appropriate expression is to bomb that sucker to the ground.”

Added Bush: “We will bomb any free press outlet that is terrorist.”

Mainstream political pundits agreed unanimously. According to a moderate analyst on CNN, “Muslims prove again and again that even the slightest provocation — like having their country invaded and occupied — leads some of them to acts of extreme violence. And now this cartoon nonsense. They’re barbarians! We must increase our military spending here at home to fight this religiously tainted violence. O War On Terror, Hallowed Be Thy Name!”

Televangelist Pat Robertson agreed, but added that “we must not miss this excellent opportunity to further isolate Westernized Muslims — and all people of color — here at home.”

At a press conference today, executives from large corporations extolled the virtues of free speech.

“As Americans, we take free speech very seriously,” explained Citigroup CEO Charles Prince. “Which is why we allow you some free speech during the six hours a day that you’re not at work. At the office, of course, we’ll be monitoring and filtering your emails, prohibiting millions of web sites, and blocking instant messenger.”

“And of course, if you curse at the wrong time or express a contrary opinion, you’ll be fired,” added Peter Wuffli, CEO of Swiss mega-bank UBS.

But Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott disagreed. “Yes, of course our stores are equipped with video surveillance — not for security, but to see if you’re talking about unions. But don’t think that just because you’ve left the Super Center for the day, you’re free to talk to your coworkers about unions. We’ll find out, and you’ll all be fired.”

Added Scott: “Always low wages. Always.”

Free speech experts have widely praised the executives. According to an analyst at the Heritage Foundation, “these executives have demonstrated an unwavering commitment to occasional free speech — if only those creepy Chinese could follow their lead, the world would be a much better place.”

“N-no no no no n-no!,” exclaimed a wealthy capitalist today at a New York social gathering. “You just don’t get it. Because without money and fierce competition, there’s no incentive to do anything. Society would collapse! What are you, nuts?”

The capitalist continued: “Anyway, can I get you something to drink? A beer? Oh, which reminds me — I’m having a party on my yacht next week. You’re welcome to come, and bring some friends. What? No, of course you don’t have to bring anything.

“What have I been up to? Well, I spend most of my time at the office. But let’s not talk about that, work sucks. I’ve been fixing up my house — I love it. I could have hired someone, you know, but it’s just so rewarding to do it myself. I love seeing the progress. And my family loves it too. I’d do anything for them.

“What’s that?” the capitalist concluded. “You need somebody to watch your kids this Sunday? Of course I’ll do it! Just do me a favor — don’t spew any more of that stupid crap about people working without a monetary profit motive. You’re really fuckin’ sick, you know that? Don’t you dare miss my yacht party!”

“Appalled” by the “grotesque sight of naked bodies touching,” U.S. Regulators have demanded that all sex scenes in movies, TV shows, and video games be replaced with “perverse, blood-chilling violence.”

“It is well established that the human form is among the most shameful in the cosmos,” explained Los Angeles city attorney Rocky Delgadillo, who recently filed suit against Take-Two for its sexually explicit video game, Grand Theft Auto. “I thought GTA was about carjacking and random violence — so naturally, I was elated. Then I heard about the hidden ‘hot coffee’ sex mini-game. I hope Take-Two burns in hell.”

At the press conference, Federal Communications Commission Chairman Kevin J. Martin expressed similar ideas. “My favorite TV show is C.S.I. I particularly love when they show the mutilated bodies of the murder victims. My least favorite? Without question, the Janet Jackson nipple-slip incident. The loathsome sight of a woman’s bare breast made me projectile vomit straight onto my TV screen. Clean-up was a doozy.”

“Sex? Ewwwwwwww,” explained Dan Glickman, president of the Motion Picture Association of America. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with my wife to watch ‘Kill Bill’. I just love when Uma Thurman’s sword slices off the top of Lucy Liu’s skull, revealing her brain.”

Almost 400 articles today (according to Google News) are reporting on ABC’s censorhip of the Rolling Stones’ Super Bowl concert. However, almost none will state the censored words.

Articles in the New York Times, the Scotsman, MSNBC, CNN, the Seattle Post Intelligencer, and BBC News reported the censorship without explicitly stating what was censored. (Reuters appears to be an exception.)

The offending words? “Cocks” and “come.”

Disney executives defended the decision in a press conference. (Disney owns ABC.) “Can you imagine if the masses had heard the words ‘cocks’ and ‘come’?” asked CEO Robert Iger. “They would all get so horny! Women would become unchaste. Men, like lechers.”

Added Iger, pounding his fist on the podium: “Free love would spread like a wave of terror across the land! It would be chaos, I tell you! Dirty chaos!”

“Reality” lies between Democrats and Republicans, centrists said at a press conference today.

“Every story has exactly two sides,” explained a representative of Time, a centrist magazine, “with objective reality exactly in the middle.”

Al From, CEO of the centrist Democratic Leadership Council corporation, added that those two sides “are called ‘Democrat’ and ‘Republican’.”

“For instance,” From continued, “take the issue of gay marriage. On one extreme you have Republicans, who call for the elimination of gay marriage. On the other you have Democrats, who also call for the elimination of gay marriage, but propose so-called ‘civil unions’ instead. The correct answer on this topic lies somewhere between these two options.”

From concluded: “And whereas Republican leaders have fiercely supported the U.S. invasion and occupation of Iraq, most Democratic leaders have only strongly supported it. ‘Fiercely’ and ’strongly’ are very different words — we must find a middle ground.”

But some cynics in the Republican Party sharply criticized the centrists. According to one CEO, “It’s true that there are two sides, but the sides are that of Jesus and Satan. Republicans directly follow the will of Jesus, whereas Democrats are led by The Dark Lord.”

The Chinese public has begun to react to its government’s decision to ban “Memoirs of a Geisha” from the country’s cinemas.

“I was kind of annoyed. I heard ‘Memoirs’ was OK, I guess,” said one Beijing resident before being immediately hauled off to jail, charged with “unpatriotic speech.”

Others were less forthright. “I did a Google search about this censorship issue,” said a young woman, “but nothing came up because they censor everything here. But I heard it [the movie] was kind of bad in my local newspaper. Although, I’m not entirely sure, because as I was reading about it, the paper was seized by a government officer and burned in front of me. I was then beaten. The paper’s offices have since been raided and destroyed; the thought police are now attempting to erase all memories of the paper’s existence. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to return to my Wal-Mart sweatshop job — I only worked 17 hours so far today. U.S. consumers are depending on me.”

U.S. Government officials rigorously denounced the censorship. “This is a civil liberties nightmare,” remarked one senator. “I mean, censorship is a fundamental part of controlling the barbaric masses, but why do those Chinese have to be so blatant about it?”

Speaking at the National Press Club, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the threat of a terrorist attack on the U.S. may be “may be greater than ever before.”¹

Rumsfeld’s statement comes after nearly three years of U.S. invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan, causing tens of thousands of civilian deaths, and costing U.S. taxpayers over $230 billion.²

“With a loss of civil liberties and social programs, a ballooning deficit, and a decrease in national security, it’s painfully obvious that the War on Terror has been a nightmare for American civilians,” Rumsfeld stated. “And trust me, it’s been much, much worse for the Iraqis.

“With that in mind, it is of paramount importance that we continue waging the War On Terror without altering our approach whatsoever.”

But Democratic Senators issued a stern rebuttal to Rumsfeld’s remarks: “The War On Terror is a Glorious War, but we’re waging it somewhat incorrectly. We need a slightly better plan. And we should bring the troops home at some point, too.”

In his State of the Union address yesterday, President Bush said he was “humbled” by his privilege to speak in the Capitol building.

Following suit, world leaders released a joint statement today expressing humbleness — a show of submission and reserved pride — about the fact that they will make all the broad social, political, and economic decisions without your input.

“The tremendous amount of power we wield is deeply humbling,” the statement read. “That’s why, if you don’t follow our rules, it will be with extreme deference that we shuttle you off to jail, perhaps to be tortured.”

Political analysts have uniformly hailed the statement as a “touching show of genuine emotion,” with the Fox News analyst adding: “Ein Volk; Ein Reich; Ein Führer; Ein News Channel!”

Other leaders who have recently been humbled by their immense power include Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice¹ and U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts.²

Afghanistan — the “festering wound, with primitive warlords still dominant, an isolated capital with no control of the country side, no national infrastructure, and a once-again booming opium trade the country’s only economic bright spot”¹ — is a “wonderful success story,” according to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice today.

Meanwhile, U.S. puppet Afghan President Hamid Karzai has developed a new economic strategy destined to make all Afghans millionaires: “Come to Afghanistan, make money, take most of it home,” he said, addressing foreign investors. Just “leave a little with us.”²

Karzai has other revolutionary ideas, including on the topic of voting reform. Speaking before his U.S.-backed election victory, he stated: “If Afghans have two registration cards because they like to vote twice, well, welcome.”³

“For the safety of all passengers,” American Airlines now requests that passengers use the lavatory in their own cabin only.

U.S. Transportation Security Administration administrators hailed the decision as “an important step in the March of Freedom.”

“The War On Terror starts right here, in the bathroom,” said American Airlines CEO Gerard Arpey in a rare interview. “If the nice white folks in First Class had to share their bathroom with the vulgar masses … well … I can only imagine the terror I’d feel after seeing a negro had just used my toilet.”

Added Arpey: “Would I catch the black disease?”

But some detractors argue the measures don’t go far enough. One Republican Senator has called for “the total elimination” of coach class bathrooms. “When I see an Arab enter a bathroom, how can I be sure he’s not building a biological weapon from microbes in the aircraft’s tap water?”

Arpey offered no comment on the Senator’s request, but remarked that “bathroom safety issues should be a key component in any anti-terror legislation.”

In a press conference today, President Bush commented on the striking victory of Hamas in the recent Palestinian elections. Referring to Hamas’s militancy, Bush declared, “I know you can’t be a partner in peace if you have a — if your party has got an armed wing.”¹

“Moreover,” the President continued, “the armed wing of the United States, known commonly as the ‘U.S. armed forces,’ disqualifies the U.S. from peace partnership as well. The U.S. can no longer be a partner in peace with this administration.”

Asked whether the U.S. might consider taking military action against the U.S., Bush replied that “all options are on the table.”

“Part of winning this war on terror is to understand the nature of the enemy and to find out where they are so we can protect the American people,” Bush explained. “Because of its militant insistence on maintaining an armed wing, we must protect the American people from the U.S. using any means necessary.”

Bush concluded: “I am prepared to call on our army, if necessary, to bring an end to the U.S. army. Only in this way can the U.S. be a partner in peace.”

Ford, the world’s third largest car company, hopes to “revive its business” by “slashing up to 30,000 jobs,” the BBC has reported.

“This is a great move for Ford,” said one analyst. “Having 30,000 fewer employees will breathe new life into the firm. You’ve seen the cars they make currently. Imagine how much better their cars would be if they had 30,000 fewer people making them.”

Employees were also elated. “It’s essential that Ford’s stock value continue to increase,” said one Ford factory worker, a struggling father of three. “If my job reduces corporate efficiency, then it’s my duty — and my honor — to be fired and let my family go hungry this year. It’s about efficiency, people. Glorious market efficiency!”

Stock brokers, recently rebranded as financial advisors, issued a joint statement to investors today, entitled “Our new plan will beat the market.”

“We first discuss your personal financial objectives,” the statement read. “Then we create a series of relevant action items before implementing broad-based, diversified portfolio solutions tailored to your specific needs. The net result of this process is beating the market.”

The statement concluded: “It’s value added.”

Some rogue FAs, defining themselves as “old school,” were skeptical about the statement’s claims. “Yes, of course every investor can beat the market,” said one broker. “That’s obvious. It’s just that these highfalutin poppycock terms like ‘action item’ give me the heebie-jeebies.”

But most brokers agreed fully with the statement. “In Communist countries,” said one FA, “they might tell you the market’s too complex to beat, or that insider trading laws make beating the market legally impossible. They might even go so far as to say that not everyone can beat the market for obvious logical reasons. Well, back in the real world, by assessing your long term needs and risk tolerance, we’ll develop a customized asset allocation plan that will outperform just about everyone. Now that’s value added.”

(For more information, visit Financial Sense)

What otherwise might appear to be a completely biased article has retained absolute objectivity, thanks to ample use of quotation marks.

The article in question is entitled “Justice O’Connor, a ’sensible’ jurist,” and appears in today’s CNN.com. Because “sensible” is in quotes, CNN has not expressed any opinion of its own.

Sub-headers of the article include “The ’swing’ justice” and “‘A great role model’.” In both cases, CNN is simply reporting viewpoints — its own voice remains completely neutral.

According to the article, “‘Sensible solutions’ may best describe how the jurist approached thorny legal questions.”

Examples of O’Connor’s “sensibility” include her rulings in favor of public funding for private religious schools, against affirmative action, and supporting the right for boy scouts to ban homosexuals. According to The Nation, “On criminal justice, her rulings in the 1980s and into the ’90s helped erect rigid sentencing regimes that now haunt governors and judges alike.”¹ Most “sensibly,” she voted to appoint George W. Bush to the presidency in Bush v. Gore.

O’Connor served mainly under the late Chief Justice William Rehnquist, whom CNN described, objectively, as a “‘Unifying figure’ on court.”²

Fox News and CNN, the two most powerful news networks in the U.S., both mention the phrase “liberal media” extensively on their web sites.¹ In fact, the phrase “Liberal Media” returns 432 current news articles in Google News. (In contrast, the term “Conservative Media” returns 95 articles.)

“Clearly,” said one media analyst, “editors of major media outlets think that they, themselves, are liberal — and this makes them very angry. At themselves.”

But one media executive begged to differ: “Those liberal media nutjobs’ll tell you anything to turn this country into a liberal nuthouse! And by ‘those liberal media nutjobs,’ I mean ‘me and my editorial staff.’ After all, we do have a 20% share of the prime-time TV news market.”

“God do I hate those bleeding-heart liberals,” he concluded, before jumping out his penthouse window, overwhelmed by the paradox of being simultaneously liberal and conservative.

And according to Fox News, the highest Nielsen rated News Network, Saddam Hussein may “have the liberal media in his hip pocket.”

(One liberal media outlet is Eric Alterman’s web site. Znet is a left media outlet.)

Lawmakers and law enforcement agencies were unanimous today in their call for the general public to “respect the law.”

“This is a nation of laws, and if you break the law, you’ll pay the price,” said one U.S. Senator. “For instance, say you’re a top corporate executive of Enron, and you’ve cheated employees, shareholders, and others out of hundreds of millions of dollars. You’ll pay a steep price in legal fees to get yourself out of trouble. That, my fellow citizens, is a little thing called justice.”

California police chiefs agreed: “As police leaders, we have a profound respect for the law. That’s why if you get caught stealing bread three times in our state, we’ll proudly help you begin your mandatory 25 year jail sentence.”

“I love the law,” added one billionaire executive. “And if loving the law is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. Without laws, I wouldn’t have made 321 times more than the average employee of my company last year.”

However, some right-wing Supreme Court Judges conceded that not all laws are perfect. “Sometimes laws can be murky. For instance, 17th century Virginia lawmakers tried to determine if children got by a negro woman and an American man would be slave or free. They said slave — correctly, I might add. Wait, what was the question?”

An exclusive organ analysis has revealed that TV psychologist Dr. Phil knows everything. Advising the public on matters from personal finance to “affair-proofing” marriages, Dr. Phil always knows the perfect solution.

Dr. Phil got a B.S, M.A. and Ph.D. in clinical psychology from North Texas State University. Experts suspect it was during this time that he discovered “a complete knowledge of the universe.”

Sometimes an absolute understanding of all things can be isolating, but in Dr. Phil’s case it led to frequent appearances on the Oprah Winfrey show. It was there that he first helped millions of viewers “get real about their own behavior.”¹

Sadly, a new class action suit claims Dr. Phil’s dieting products are fraudulent. Recently obtained emails written by Dr. Phil himself say that he had “no expertise” in the subject. This seems to contradict his own advice: “Don’t embarrass yourself or put yourself in a situation where you’ll look back and feel humiliated.”² But such apparent contradictions can be written off as the mystery of profound genius.

In a move experts are calling “unsurprising” and “completely obvious,” corporations have resolved to increase the value of their stock shares for 2006.

For instance, Business Wire is reporting that “Allegheny Technologies Incorporated (NYSE:ATI) today announced actions designed to continue to increase shareholder value.”

One expert yawned while reading that Circuit City is committed to “upgrade, evolve and innovate our business and increase shareholder value.”¹ “I’m so bored by this topic that even the slightest discussion of anything else would, by comparison, be akin to sexual ecstasy,” he concluded.

“There’s really nothing to say,” noted one rhyming financial analyst. “Corporations exist to increase shareholder value, so this isn’t really news per se. Come what may, they’d do the same thing anyway. Have a nice day. OK?”

However, Chinese sweatshop laborers breathed a sigh of relief at the news. According to one Chinese labor representative, “If Wal-Mart had changed its mission to accommodate social concerns over profit, we might have some free time and spending money. Imagine our hopeless, desperate confusion as we tried manage our own affairs!”

Rapper 50 Cent issued a stern warning to listeners in his latest album, The Massacre: “You should take time to check that bitch.”

50 issued his statement after presenting several pieces of key supporting evidence. “I have ya ho, eyeballin’ at the light,” he said, alluding to the way your girlfriend has shown interest in 50 and his “big white [Mercedes] Benz.”

Added 50: “damn pimpin.”

50 Cent is a wholly owned subsidiary of Universal Music Group, which is in turn a wholly owned subsidiary of Vivendi Universal S.A.

Expressing concern about the current situation with your girlfriend, 50 Cent declared that he’s “tired of tellin’ niggas over and over I won’t hesitate to pop or shank ya.”

“You don’t listen you gon’ get ya ass hit,” 50 concluded.

Intel, the world’s largest computer chipmaker, will be upgrading its brand next week, BBC has reported. The company will have a slightly modified logo and a new slogan: “Leap Ahead.”

Intel’s products will remain exactly the same.

Intel, the company, is worth $150 billion. But its brand, one of the most highly marketed in the world, is worth $35 billion on its own.¹

Marketing experts hailed the decision. According to one researcher, “With a stronger brand, Intel can charge consumers more money for the same products, increasing profits. It will also help manipulate consumers’ ideas about what Intel is. This is a great move for America.”

Time Magazine named Bill Gates “Person of the Year” last month, adding the convicted monolopolist to a long list of genocidal maniacs, torturers, and other role models.

Gates, who has done immeasurable harm to the technological progress by thwarting competitors and innovation at every turn, was a “fresh and interesting” choice, according to Time Managing Editor James Kelly¹

Other fresh choices have included

• Adolf Hitler (1938, murderer of six million Jews)
• Joseph Stalin (1939 and 1942, responsible for tens of millions of Soviet deaths)
• Ayatollah Khomeini (1979, Iranian dictator who extensively outlawed civil rights)
• George W. Bush (1990, 2000, and 2004, lied to U.S. to justify illegal invasion of Iraq)
• Faisal bin Abdelaziz Al Saud (1974, Fascist Monarch who increased Saudi Arabia’s military)

Time is already excited about the possibilities for the 2006 person of the year. Candidates include Osama bin Laden, “The Humble Terrorist,” The Grim Reaper, Satan, and Nuclear Weapons.

Large corporations everywhere have a question: “Are you ready?”

Referring to a technology unlikely to hit the mainstream for at least ten years, CNN asks: “Are you ready for a hydrogen car?”

Urging Americans not to forget their primary directive — to consume — Florida’s Sun-Herald wants to know if you’re ready “for the last-week rush of holiday shopping.”

Dan Mabbutt of About.com — owned by The New York Times — wants to know: “Are you ready for the Complete VB.NET Tutorial?” Just give them your name, email address, and zip code, and you can become ready!

And Lifetime, Television for Women^TM, wants to know: “Are you ready to be loved?” “Yes, it’s likely that your soul mate is out there.” But you’ll never find him, ladies, if you’re not ready to be loved. Take Lifetime’s quiz to discover whether you’re ready — or a misanthrope loser.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are locked in a fierce competition to see who can be the most completely ridiculous Middle-East leader.

Although corporate media outlets have been careful to give a “fair and balanced” accounting of the engagement, it’s clear that both are pulling no punches in their quest to be the most totally fucking nuts.

Both leaders have a history of madness. Speaking about Palestinian territory brutally occupied by Israel, Netanyahu argued that “we cannot allow the establishment of a Palestinian state in our country” — even though the rest of the world, including the U.S. (Israel’s staunch ally), did not consider Gaza and the West Bank to be part of Israel.¹

For his part, Ahmadinejad implemented separate elevators for men and women while mayor of Tehran.²

Now both men are turning up the heat.

Ahmadinejad, who recently called the holocaust a “myth,” has now banned Western music in Iran.

And Netanyahu — poised to once again head Israel’s neoconservative Likud party — has placed himself to the political right of Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, a former Defense Minister convicted for his primary role in the massacre of thousands of Palestinian civilians.³

A panel of crazy judges recently selected Netanyahu and Ahmadinejad over runners-up Sharon and Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz al-Saud. A final winner is to be determined shortly.

Racists everywhere are scrambling to find new outlets for their unbridled hate, thanks to the recent identification of a skin color gene.

Scientists at Penn State recently published their findings in the prestigious journal Science. According to Scientific American, while searching zebrafish for cancer causing genes, the scientists ended up isolating the gene that makes European skin white.”¹

Faced with the overwhelming meaninglessness of skin color, racists are now hard-pressed to justify their malice. According to one racist, “Geneticist Kieth Chang and his team have shown that African-Americans are really just like me. I’m now faced with the formidable task of exploiting and dehumanizing a different subset of the population. Are Muslims still fair game?”

Other racists were even more affected.

“The entire fabric of this great nation is built on the profitable abuse of blacks, yellows, reds, and browns — domestically and internationally,” said one Republican state Governor. “With scientific support for our blind malevolence no longer a possibility, who will staff sweatshops, clean my house, work in poultry factories, or provide critical prison labor? Our whole economy will collapse!”

In an analytic discovery that scholars are calling “a breakthrough by any standard,” the New York Times has concluded on its front page that “the [Bush] administration has relied on an unusually expansive interpretation of the president’s authority.”

Since 2000, the Bush administration has launched globally unpopular wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, bulldozed radical legislation through congress, and spied on thousands of U.S. residents without congressional or judicial knowledge.

But despite efforts, none have known what to make of this information — until now.

“This clarifies the actions of the Bush administration in remarkable ways,” remarked one political scholar, “opening up breathtaking new opportunities for study.”

A logician affiliated with Stanford University agrees: “That the Times could take so much information and piece it together so clearly is — and I don’t say this lightly — a marvel that shakes the very foundations of mathematics.”

When thousandaire blue-collar transit workers want raises that match inflation, a humane retirement plan — and an end to draconian disciplinary actions — insiders know there’s only one man who can restore order: billionaire New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg.¹

As most local residents know, the NYC Transit Union began a partial strike today. The union threatens to call a general strike on Tuesday, bringing public transportation to a halt, unless the Metropolitan Transit Authority agrees to its demands.

The MTA had a $1 billion surplus this past year.

The average NYC transit worker earns $55,000 a year — which millionaire and billionaire experts agree is more than a fair share of the profits. Bloomberg issued a press release stating that a strike “would be more than just illegal and inconvenient; it will threaten public safety and severely disrupt our City and its economy.”

Analysts note that Bloomberg — whose $5 billion net worth exceeds the sum of all 33,000 transit workers’ 2005 incomes — “is the perfect man to stop the greedy workers from stealing hard-earned MTA money meant for millionaire executives.”

At Bloomberg’s side is New York State Governor George Pataki, with a net worth $2.35 million. He noted that strikers seeking better compensation will face “very, very severe consequences.”²

The world’s suit-wearing population — which includes government leaders and bureaucrats, corporate executives, religious leaders, and conservatives — requested today that people trust them.

“Look at my suit,” said a banking CEO at a press conference for the announcement. “It’s worth thousands. I’m clearly a man whose words should be strictly adhered to.”

Editorialists and pundits widely supported the request, although a fierce debate has erupted over whether blue ties or red ties are more trustworthy.

However, some political extremists and terrorists have criticized the announcement. According to one freedom-hater, “suit-wearing can be a good indicator of corruption, elitism, lack of substance, or the peddling of propaganda designed to internalize classism or intolerant dogma.”

“That’s a ridiculous notion,” countered a highly respectable suit-wearer as he stepped out of his limousine. “Why? Because the jean-toting people who make those dangerous statements are probably too filled with hate to own even one suit. Feel this suit. It’s silk. If I can afford to feel this good, you should probably trust my opinion.”

In a major speech yesterday, President Bush compared the struggle for democracy in Iraq to that of the 18th century United States.

Like Iraq’s new leaders, “Our founders faced many difficult challenges, they made mistakes, they learned from their experiences and they adjusted their approach.” said Bush.

Referring to U.S. history, Bush noted: “There were uprisings, with mobs attacking courthouses and government buildings. There was a planned military coup that was defused only by the personal intervention of George Washington.¹

“Also, like today’s Iraq, the United States was occupied by a foreign, nuclear-powered imperialist government bent on controlling America’s rich oil resources.”

Bush used these similarities to appeal to U.S. residents, most of whom no longer support the war on Iraq:

“In 1783, Congress was chased from [Philadelphia] by angry veterans demanding back pay, and they stayed on the run for six months. Then in 1784, a foreign military superpower killed tens of thousands of U.S. civilians while trying to secure oil fields and install a puppet U.S. government under a facade of democracy. They initially invaded us under the pretext of eliminating so-called ‘weapons of mass destruction,’ but as that lie began to crumple, they shamelessly fished for new justifications. Only the strength of the American People let our democracy flourish under such conditions.

“It is important to keep this history in mind as we look at the progress of freedom and democracy in Iraq.”

Bush concluded by remarking that any pullout of U.S. forces from Iraq would lead to civil war: “If only Britain hadn’t cut and run from the Revolutionary War, we’d never have had our own Civil War here at home.”

A false and defamatory entry on Wikipedia, a publicly edited encyclopedia, has ignited a media frenzy over the site’s accuracy. According to the Seattle Times — a privately edited web site — the event has “touched off a debate about the reliability of information on Wikipedia.”¹

Expert private sources have discovered that because anyone can edit Wikipedia, the encyclopedia may not be completely accurate. These imperfections may have left Wikipedia “out of control.”

Wikipedia has roughly eight times more articles (715,000) than Encyclopedia Britannica (85,000).

“Anyone, but anyone, can insert an entry,” bemoaned the Times Online, owned by neoconservative media mogul Rupert Murdoch.² Murdoch prefers that information be disseminated from his company, which “is a reflection of my thinking, my character, my values.”³

Analysts with the Seattle Times have made even greater leaps, noting that if Wikipedia has some inaccuracy, the entire internet may contain inaccuracies as well.⁴ However, that study is still under review.

What do Sony, Bacardi, Playstation, and Telus have in common? “A properly structured and truly protected global trademark.” But a recent analysis by marketing expert Naseem Javed revealed that just one percent of corporations worldwide have proper unique global names with a matching dotcom.

This is “very disturbing,” alerts Javed. The fact that it is “so easy to create and build a proper global name” just adds insult to injury.

“To find a proper name identity,” he explains, “first you need a Five-Star Standard of Naming, this is a process designed to ensure the uniqueness of a candidate name with direct relativity to the business it represents while securing a position for a global trade marking with a matching dotcom.”

Added Javed: “Anything less will fail.”

What could be easier than that? Corporate marketing experts worldwide agree that unless major changes occur quickly, most corporations will continue to fail to “strike gold” by finding that “super shine” in their name identity.

Alexander Vershbow, the new US ambassador to South Korea, has concluded that North Korea is a “criminal regime.” The United States, in contrast, is not.

As evidence of North Korea’s criminality, Vershbrow listed several activities in which the U.S. also heavily participates: “the export of dangerous military technologies, narcotics trafficking, money laundering, … and many other illicit activities.”¹

The difference, U.S. State Department experts explained, is that North Korea is part of certain type of axis — specifically, an axis of evil. “When you are drenched in evilness, as North Korea is, criminality clings to you like a leech … an evil, criminal leech. But when you receive your agenda directly from The Lord Jesus Christ — as the U.S. does — exporting dangerous military technologies is like spreading little golden nuggets of peace throughout the globe.”

North Korea has repeatedly made global headlines for its evil nuclear weapons development program. In contrast, the U.S. continues to develop its nuclear weapons program for lawful and wholesome purposes, expanding upon the 12,070 such weapons in its current arsenal.²

The Bush Administration, along with a broad cross-section of Democrat and Republican congresspersons, is standing up in defense of Microsoft.

Microsoft Corporation, currently worth $295.2 billion,¹ has been fined by South Korea for violating its antitrust laws. According to experts, the $32 million fine — equal to 1/9218 of Microsoft’s value — is too much for the software giant to bear.

Microsoft has previously been deemed a monopoly by judicial bodies in the US and, more recently, the EU. According to ZDNet, “European Competition Commissioner Mario Monti ruled that Microsoft had failed to provide to rivals information that they needed to compete fairly in the market for server software and that the company has been offering Windows on the condition that it come bundled with Windows Media Player, stifling competition.”²

But Deputy Assistant Attorney General J. Bruce McDonald explained that “regulators should avoid substituting their judgment for the market’s.”³

Only 12.6 percent — or one in eight — black men in their late 20s currently provide wealthy white folks with mandatory prison labor, lamented super-rich white people nationwide today.

This is down significantly from the height of the slavery movement in 1850. At that time, roughly 87 percent of black men were slaves in southern plantations.¹

“Dammit!” cried Lehman Brothers, Inc. CEO Richard S. Fuld Jr at a recent shareholders meeting. Lehman Brothers has made millions in private prison industry financing.² “Those were simpler times. An average exorbitantly wealthy white man like myself could count on forced labor from most every male negro. Now seven out of eight of them are free to choose their own vocation. Granted, we still pay the free ones extremely little, but give me a break: wage slave and authentic slave are two entirely different animals.”

Added Fuld: “And it’s even worse with the negresses!”

Still, most super-rich white people were happy to be in the U.S. According to one anonymous prison industry executive, matters are “much worse” in every other industrialized nation. “In Japan, less than a tenth of a percent performs forced labor while stripped of basic human rights. How’s a billionaire to function under those primitive conditions?!”

With over 45 million Americans lacking any form of health care, one topic has recently taken center stage among major media outlets and the U.S. Supreme Court: the right of a woman to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. According to several anti-choice activists, “stopping the senseless murder of fetuses is the most important issue of the day — excluding saving marriage from those dreadful gays, of course.”

One anti-abortionist continued, “We must stop the wanton murder of fetuses. Also, let’s increase capital punishment, because frankly, if you try to murder a fetus, you deserve the death penalty. How else can we foster a culture of life?”

Many anti-choice activists also strongly support the Iraq war, which recently claimed its 2,000th U.S. victim. The war has also caused the murder of tens of thousands of Iraqi women and children, while costing U.S. taxpayers over $200 billion — enough to provide universal health care several times over.

“There is no confusion here,” explained one anti-abortionist. “If poor people would get jobs and stop spending all their money on abortions, we wouldn’t need to spend money on healthcare. And because of terrorism, if we don’t kill Iraqis, people will die. So you see, we’re killing people in a foreign country to save lives. I’m talking about a culture of life, here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got bacon and eggs waiting for me at home. I love eating eggs.”

For more information about abortion rights, see Planned Parenthood’s talking points.

George Orwell’s 1984, a story about systems of control and propaganda, had some important mottos: “War Is Peace. Ignorance Is Strength. Freedom Is Slavery.”

Google, Inc. had a motto, too: “You can make money without doing evil.”

At times, it seemed Google, which revolutionized the internet, would stay true its word. But in a shocking joint announcement today, Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page radically changed course, proclaiming: “We’re Evil, Suckers!” Brin and Page pointed to an overwhelming heap of evidence to support their claim, including:

• Googling the phrase “google is evil” (in quotes) returns 12,400 hits, putting it between Wal-mart (18,400) and Halliburton (521).
• Google’s privacy policy is so bad and potentially dangerous that the New York Times wrote an angry editorial about it.
• Sergey Brin and Larry Page have a combined fortune of roughly $14 billion. Could any non-evil people possibly hoard that much money while billions of people worldwide are struggling for food?
• According to the New York Times, Google stores all its search data forever, meaning your searches can conceivably be traced to you and used against you in court.
• Google, Inc. is worth $121.5 billion. If money is power, and power corrupts, then by the logic law of syllogism, Google, Inc. must be entirely villainous by now.
• Gmail, Google, Inc.’s email program, reads the contents of its users’ private messages and targets them with relevant advertisements.

Faced with the reality of Google, Inc.’s evilness, the Bush Administration promised increased corporate tax cuts. “Without the burden of paying taxes, the ‘invisible hand’ of the free market will guide Google back to goodness.”

Cindy Sheehan, that anti-war lady in Crawford, Texas, had a protest that was smaller than a protest in August. This according to articles in the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, The London Guardian, and several hundred other media outlets. An estimated 200 attended the rally.

Meanwhile, pro-Bush counter-demonstrators had their own equally significant rally. Reporters on the scene of the pro-Bush rally counted at least ten people in attendance. Experts might say that, based on these high numbers, the pro-Bush movement is gaining steam. One pro-Bush protester gave a nuanced argument for the continued deployment of U.S. troops in Iraq: “Real America won’t wimp out.”¹

One thing cannot be doubted: the competing pro-Bush and anti-war rallies reveal an America split to the core. But with the pro-Cindy crowd losing steam and the pro-Bush crowd clearly building momentum, only the American Public can decide which direction America should take.

The first seven months Pope Benedict XVI’s pontificate were a time of quite reflection. The new Pope, deep in Holy contemplation about the world’s many injustices, made not a single defining act.

But Lo!, with God’s Blessing, Benedict XVI has recently emerged with his first compassionate decree: banning homosexuals from priesthood.

Benedict XVI, the holiest former member of the Nazi Hitler Youth militia, went even farther, excluding priesthood from those who “support the so-called ‘gay culture.’”

Benedict himself once said that “Having a clear faith, according to the credo of the church, is often labeled as fundamentalism.”¹ With the Pope’s deeply humanitarian act towards homosexuals, he will once and for all put that label to rest.

Displaying both generosity and compassion, President Bush granted an “official pardon” to Marshmallow the turkey. To be eligible for the pardon, Marshmallow had presumably been tried and convicted on felony charges of “being a turkey.”

Bush’s good will did not extend to an estimated 45 million other convicted turkeys, all of whom will be slaughtered and eaten for their crimes. Nor did it extend to Frances Newton, an African American woman recently executed in Texas despite questionable evidence of her guilt.

According to bloomberg.com, Marshmallow will go on vacation to Disneyland, stay in an upscale hotel, and then retire in a 1930s replica park. Butterball Inc., which kills eight million turkeys a year, sponsored Marshmallow’s chauffeuring to the pardoning ceremony.

“The granting of the turkey pardon is not a responsibility that I take lightly,” Bush said.