“Oh!” exclaimed a wealthy suburban consumer this afternoon as she drove through her town’s main commercial thoroughfare. “I didn’t know they’d put a Barnes and Nobles’s up over there.”

“Oh, and they put a Chili’s up too,” she added. “That must’ve just gone up there. Do you want some Chili’s?”

Local suburban officials confirmed the woman’s allegation, additionally citing fourteen other new “big box” stores that “they just put up over there.”

Other passers-by also took note of the new Barnes & Noble. “This will really add distinction to our suburb,” one said. “We used to have a few independent booksellers in town, which made us really weird. Now that we’ll be indistinguishable from every other suburb in the U.S., I’ll feel much more like part of the ‘in crowd.’

“And now the people in our community can use these big box stores as a means to funnel their money to a few executives who live nowhere near us,” he concluded. “It’s so clever, you’ve got to love it!”

In a display of tragic irony, the most famous club for so-called “high IQ” individuals is founded on a deeply low IQ understanding of unintelligence.

Mensa, “the organization for smart people like you,” accepts people in the top 2% of “standardized intelligence tests.” These intelligence tests include:

• the LSAT — a test for law school admissions. Taking a pricey Kaplan test-prep course can significantly improve your score, thereby, according to Mensa, making you more intelligent in general.¹
• the GMAT — same as above, but for business graduate school.

It doesn’t take a Mensan to figure out that a business school test doesn’t measure your overall intelligence.

It may be difficult for overachieving academics to accept that logic and language skills aren’t the only types of intelligence humans possess. For instance, athletic, social, musical — and most importantly, satirical writing — abilities also come from the same piece of gray matter.

IQ tests also happen to be racist² and classist³ — which makes Mensa perhaps the largest promoter of the widely debunked “Bell Curve” IQ-model.⁴

Mensa, more than a high IQ society, is a sort of nerdy networking club for the upper-class.

St. Valentine, the martyred Roman priest known chiefly for his association with Valentine’s day, is under investigation for denying that sexual abstinence is appropriate until marriage.

“Valentine is currently under surveillance for unpatriotic speech and shooting heart-tipped love arrows,” admitted NSA Director LTG Keith B. Alexander. “In this modern age of terror, premarital sex cannot be tolerated. Terror. Sex. Terrorism. Sex. Is sex terror? Sex is terrorism. Obey.”

Shockingly, Valentine has not denied the charges. “There’s a little invention nowadays I like to call ‘the condom,’” he stated sarcastically. “Using these ‘condoms,’ people can enjoy sexual intercourse without so much worry about pregnancy and disease. Still concerned? Try a little number I like to call ‘birth control pills.’”

Leslee J. Unruh, founder of the pseudo-hip anti-love site abstinence.net, strongly disagreed. “Sex is impure, plain and simple,” she said. “If a penis enters your vagina — or a tongue enters your mouth — it’s safe to say that you’re a filthy little slut. Does Jesus let filthy little sluts like you into The Kingdom of Heaven? No.”

But St. Valentine remained unmoved: “As a Christian saint, I actually live in Heaven, so don’t even step to me on that, ‘cause you’ll get shot-the-fuck down. If God hated premarital sex so much, he wouldn’t have invented latex, the nuvo vaginal ring, or Depo-provera. Not to mention penises and vaginas. Suckaz!”

It is still unclear if formal charges will be filed.

or·gan:
1. A musical instrument containing pipes.
2. A means of communication.
3. Biology. A group of tissues that perform some function.
4. A part of a whole that performs a function.
5. An agency, institution, council, or parliament of a given entity. “And just as the functions of the bodily organs of plants and animals cannot be arbitrarily altered, so that, for example, one cannot at will hear with his eyes and see with his ears, so also one cannot at pleasure transform an organ of social oppression into an instrument for the liberation of the oppressed.” - Rudolf Rocker, on the State

organ is a curious blend of fact and fiction. So far, all of the fiction is satirical, intended to emphasize the facts. Hopefully it’s pretty clear what’s fact and what’s fiction, but if a statement’s truth value is ambiguous, try clicking on an article’s links; they generally reveal the article’s factual basis. If there’s still confusion, feel free to post a comment.