Above: A chart used by centrists to help explain their position.

“Every story has exactly two sides,” explained a representative of Time, a centrist magazine, “with objective reality exactly in the middle.”

Al From, CEO of the centrist Democratic Leadership Council corporation, added that those two sides “are called ‘Democrat’ and ‘Republican’.”

“For instance,” From continued, “take the issue of gay marriage. On one extreme you have Republicans, who call for the elimination of gay marriage. On the other you have Democrats, who also call for the elimination of gay marriage, but propose so-called ‘civil unions’ instead. The correct answer on this topic lies somewhere between these two options.”

From concluded: “And whereas Republican leaders have fiercely supported the U.S. invasion and occupation of Iraq, most Democratic leaders have only strongly supported it. ‘Fiercely’ and ’strongly’ are very different words — we must find a middle ground.”

But some cynics in the Republican Party sharply criticized the centrists. According to one CEO, “It’s true that there are two sides, but the sides are that of Jesus and Satan. Republicans directly follow the will of Jesus, whereas Democrats are led by The Dark Lord.”