The Chinese public has begun to react to its government’s decision to ban “Memoirs of a Geisha” from the country’s cinemas.

“I was kind of annoyed. I heard ‘Memoirs’ was OK, I guess,” said one Beijing resident before being immediately hauled off to jail, charged with “unpatriotic speech.”

Others were less forthright. “I did a Google search about this censorship issue,” said a young woman, “but nothing came up because they censor everything here. But I heard it [the movie] was kind of bad in my local newspaper. Although, I’m not entirely sure, because as I was reading about it, the paper was seized by a government officer and burned in front of me. I was then beaten. The paper’s offices have since been raided and destroyed; the thought police are now attempting to erase all memories of the paper’s existence. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to return to my Wal-Mart sweatshop job — I only worked 17 hours so far today. U.S. consumers are depending on me.”

U.S. Government officials rigorously denounced the censorship. “This is a civil liberties nightmare,” remarked one senator. “I mean, censorship is a fundamental part of controlling the barbaric masses, but why do those Chinese have to be so blatant about it?”

Speaking at the National Press Club, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the threat of a terrorist attack on the U.S. may be “may be greater than ever before.”¹

Rumsfeld’s statement comes after nearly three years of U.S. invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan, causing tens of thousands of civilian deaths, and costing U.S. taxpayers over $230 billion.²

“With a loss of civil liberties and social programs, a ballooning deficit, and a decrease in national security, it’s painfully obvious that the War on Terror has been a nightmare for American civilians,” Rumsfeld stated. “And trust me, it’s been much, much worse for the Iraqis.

“With that in mind, it is of paramount importance that we continue waging the War On Terror without altering our approach whatsoever.”

But Democratic Senators issued a stern rebuttal to Rumsfeld’s remarks: “The War On Terror is a Glorious War, but we’re waging it somewhat incorrectly. We need a slightly better plan. And we should bring the troops home at some point, too.”