Stock brokers, recently rebranded as financial advisors, issued a joint statement to investors today, entitled “Our new plan will beat the market.”

“We first discuss your personal financial objectives,” the statement read. “Then we create a series of relevant action items before implementing broad-based, diversified portfolio solutions tailored to your specific needs. The net result of this process is beating the market.”

The statement concluded: “It’s value added.”

Some rogue FAs, defining themselves as “old school,” were skeptical about the statement’s claims. “Yes, of course every investor can beat the market,” said one broker. “That’s obvious. It’s just that these highfalutin poppycock terms like ‘action item’ give me the heebie-jeebies.”

But most brokers agreed fully with the statement. “In Communist countries,” said one FA, “they might tell you the market’s too complex to beat, or that insider trading laws make beating the market legally impossible. They might even go so far as to say that not everyone can beat the market for obvious logical reasons. Well, back in the real world, by assessing your long term needs and risk tolerance, we’ll develop a customized asset allocation plan that will outperform just about everyone. Now that’s value added.”

(For more information, visit Financial Sense)