An exclusive organ analysis has revealed that TV psychologist Dr. Phil knows everything. Advising the public on matters from personal finance to “affair-proofing” marriages, Dr. Phil always knows the perfect solution.

Dr. Phil got a B.S, M.A. and Ph.D. in clinical psychology from North Texas State University. Experts suspect it was during this time that he discovered “a complete knowledge of the universe.”

Sometimes an absolute understanding of all things can be isolating, but in Dr. Phil’s case it led to frequent appearances on the Oprah Winfrey show. It was there that he first helped millions of viewers “get real about their own behavior.”¹

Sadly, a new class action suit claims Dr. Phil’s dieting products are fraudulent. Recently obtained emails written by Dr. Phil himself say that he had “no expertise” in the subject. This seems to contradict his own advice: “Don’t embarrass yourself or put yourself in a situation where you’ll look back and feel humiliated.”² But such apparent contradictions can be written off as the mystery of profound genius.