In a move experts are calling “unsurprising” and “completely obvious,” corporations have resolved to increase the value of their stock shares for 2006.

For instance, Business Wire is reporting that “Allegheny Technologies Incorporated (NYSE:ATI) today announced actions designed to continue to increase shareholder value.”

One expert yawned while reading that Circuit City is committed to “upgrade, evolve and innovate our business and increase shareholder value.”¹ “I’m so bored by this topic that even the slightest discussion of anything else would, by comparison, be akin to sexual ecstasy,” he concluded.

“There’s really nothing to say,” noted one rhyming financial analyst. “Corporations exist to increase shareholder value, so this isn’t really news per se. Come what may, they’d do the same thing anyway. Have a nice day. OK?”

However, Chinese sweatshop laborers breathed a sigh of relief at the news. According to one Chinese labor representative, “If Wal-Mart had changed its mission to accommodate social concerns over profit, we might have some free time and spending money. Imagine our hopeless, desperate confusion as we tried manage our own affairs!”