Afghanistan — the “festering wound, with primitive warlords still dominant, an isolated capital with no control of the country side, no national infrastructure, and a once-again booming opium trade the country’s only economic bright spot”¹ — is a “wonderful success story,” according to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice today.

Meanwhile, U.S. puppet Afghan President Hamid Karzai has developed a new economic strategy destined to make all Afghans millionaires: “Come to Afghanistan, make money, take most of it home,” he said, addressing foreign investors. Just “leave a little with us.”²

Karzai has other revolutionary ideas, including on the topic of voting reform. Speaking before his U.S.-backed election victory, he stated: “If Afghans have two registration cards because they like to vote twice, well, welcome.”³

“For the safety of all passengers,” American Airlines now requests that passengers use the lavatory in their own cabin only.

U.S. Transportation Security Administration administrators hailed the decision as “an important step in the March of Freedom.”

“The War On Terror starts right here, in the bathroom,” said American Airlines CEO Gerard Arpey in a rare interview. “If the nice white folks in First Class had to share their bathroom with the vulgar masses … well … I can only imagine the terror I’d feel after seeing a negro had just used my toilet.”

Added Arpey: “Would I catch the black disease?”

But some detractors argue the measures don’t go far enough. One Republican Senator has called for “the total elimination” of coach class bathrooms. “When I see an Arab enter a bathroom, how can I be sure he’s not building a biological weapon from microbes in the aircraft’s tap water?”

Arpey offered no comment on the Senator’s request, but remarked that “bathroom safety issues should be a key component in any anti-terror legislation.”

In a press conference today, President Bush commented on the striking victory of Hamas in the recent Palestinian elections. Referring to Hamas’s militancy, Bush declared, “I know you can’t be a partner in peace if you have a — if your party has got an armed wing.”¹

“Moreover,” the President continued, “the armed wing of the United States, known commonly as the ‘U.S. armed forces,’ disqualifies the U.S. from peace partnership as well. The U.S. can no longer be a partner in peace with this administration.”

Asked whether the U.S. might consider taking military action against the U.S., Bush replied that “all options are on the table.”

“Part of winning this war on terror is to understand the nature of the enemy and to find out where they are so we can protect the American people,” Bush explained. “Because of its militant insistence on maintaining an armed wing, we must protect the American people from the U.S. using any means necessary.”

Bush concluded: “I am prepared to call on our army, if necessary, to bring an end to the U.S. army. Only in this way can the U.S. be a partner in peace.”

In his first encyclical letter, released today, Pope Benedict XVI described the “inescapable sense of solidarity between all peoples.”

However, the Pope stated that governments, through “subsidies or tax relief,” show “significantly” more solidarity than individuals. (With such benevolent governments, one might wonder why anyone needs tax relief in the first place.)

The Pope recently bemoaned a lack of solidarity from media outlets, who he claimed “undervalue” religious belief.¹ However, a Google News search for “pope” returns over 15,000 articles.

Pope Benedict is a former member of the Nazi Hitler Youth Militia.²

“Israel will not be able to accept an Iranian nuclear capability,” said Israeli Defense Minister Shaul Mofaz on Monday.

Israel is generally believed to have 300-400 nuclear weapons.¹ The country has not stated any intention to dismantle or reduce its current stockpile; in fact, it refuses to confirm or deny having them at all.

Israel “must have the capability to defend itself,” Mofaz continued, “with all that that implies, and this we are preparing.” Presumably, “with all that that implies” is a secret code phrase meaning “by bombing Iran.”²

For several decades, nuclear-armed Israel has similarly “defended itself” against Palestinians, who may be in possession of 300-400 hand grenades.

(For nuclear disarmament talking points, click here.)

Ford, the world’s third largest car company, hopes to “revive its business” by “slashing up to 30,000 jobs,” the BBC has reported.

“This is a great move for Ford,” said one analyst. “Having 30,000 fewer employees will breathe new life into the firm. You’ve seen the cars they make currently. Imagine how much better their cars would be if they had 30,000 fewer people making them.”

Employees were also elated. “It’s essential that Ford’s stock value continue to increase,” said one Ford factory worker, a struggling father of three. “If my job reduces corporate efficiency, then it’s my duty — and my honor — to be fired and let my family go hungry this year. It’s about efficiency, people. Glorious market efficiency!”

Stock brokers, recently rebranded as financial advisors, issued a joint statement to investors today, entitled “Our new plan will beat the market.”

“We first discuss your personal financial objectives,” the statement read. “Then we create a series of relevant action items before implementing broad-based, diversified portfolio solutions tailored to your specific needs. The net result of this process is beating the market.”

The statement concluded: “It’s value added.”

Some rogue FAs, defining themselves as “old school,” were skeptical about the statement’s claims. “Yes, of course every investor can beat the market,” said one broker. “That’s obvious. It’s just that these highfalutin poppycock terms like ‘action item’ give me the heebie-jeebies.”

But most brokers agreed fully with the statement. “In Communist countries,” said one FA, “they might tell you the market’s too complex to beat, or that insider trading laws make beating the market legally impossible. They might even go so far as to say that not everyone can beat the market for obvious logical reasons. Well, back in the real world, by assessing your long term needs and risk tolerance, we’ll develop a customized asset allocation plan that will outperform just about everyone. Now that’s value added.”

(For more information, visit Financial Sense)

What otherwise might appear to be a completely biased article has retained absolute objectivity, thanks to ample use of quotation marks.

The article in question is entitled “Justice O’Connor, a ’sensible’ jurist,” and appears in today’s CNN.com. Because “sensible” is in quotes, CNN has not expressed any opinion of its own.

Sub-headers of the article include “The ’swing’ justice” and “‘A great role model’.” In both cases, CNN is simply reporting viewpoints — its own voice remains completely neutral.

According to the article, “‘Sensible solutions’ may best describe how the jurist approached thorny legal questions.”

Examples of O’Connor’s “sensibility” include her rulings in favor of public funding for private religious schools, against affirmative action, and supporting the right for boy scouts to ban homosexuals. According to The Nation, “On criminal justice, her rulings in the 1980s and into the ’90s helped erect rigid sentencing regimes that now haunt governors and judges alike.”¹ Most “sensibly,” she voted to appoint George W. Bush to the presidency in Bush v. Gore.

O’Connor served mainly under the late Chief Justice William Rehnquist, whom CNN described, objectively, as a “‘Unifying figure’ on court.”²

The New York Times editorial staff has concluded that the Gaza Strip, “recently evacuated by Israeli settlers,” is “teeming.” The example of the word “teeming” in dictionary.com is: “A drop of water teems with microorganisms.”

Without Israel’s brutal, internationally condemned occupation of Gaza, the editors wonder “whether there will be any valid authority left among the Palestinians.”

The Times continues by warning of an impending “civil war” between these “invalid” authorities, “militant” Hamas (killed one Israeli in 2005) and Fatah (part of the Palestine Liberation Organization).² But they don’t bother to provide any evidence of why such a war is imminent.

The desired conclusion: Inhuman Palestinians are incapable of governing themselves. Their only skill lies in terrorizing Israelis.

The reality is much more complicated. Elections are approaching in both Palestine and Israel, and the outcome will determine a great deal for both nations. Hamas has tempered its hard line, while Fatah has grown severely corrupt. A Hamas victory in Palestine may spur an ultra-militant right wing victory in Israel (i.e. Netanyahu), while Fatah control would not represent the needs of the Palestinian people.

For a realistic examination of these issues, see ZNet and Znet.

Fox News and CNN, the two most powerful news networks in the U.S., both mention the phrase “liberal media” extensively on their web sites.¹ In fact, the phrase “Liberal Media” returns 432 current news articles in Google News. (In contrast, the term “Conservative Media” returns 95 articles.)

“Clearly,” said one media analyst, “editors of major media outlets think that they, themselves, are liberal — and this makes them very angry. At themselves.”

But one media executive begged to differ: “Those liberal media nutjobs’ll tell you anything to turn this country into a liberal nuthouse! And by ‘those liberal media nutjobs,’ I mean ‘me and my editorial staff.’ After all, we do have a 20% share of the prime-time TV news market.”

“God do I hate those bleeding-heart liberals,” he concluded, before jumping out his penthouse window, overwhelmed by the paradox of being simultaneously liberal and conservative.

And according to Fox News, the highest Nielsen rated News Network, Saddam Hussein may “have the liberal media in his hip pocket.”

(One liberal media outlet is Eric Alterman’s web site. Znet is a left media outlet.)

Haiti, the poorest country in the western hemisphere, has taken center stage in the news today after a visit by Hollywood’s hottest celebrity couple, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

Jolie and Pitt brought some much needed “Hollywood glamour” to the impovrished country, according to ABC News. ABC describes Haiti’s situation as “beleaguered” and “tumultuous.” But Jolie said that “given just a little chance, and given a little help, this is going to be a great country.”

How did Haiti get to be this way? Because “former President Jean-Bertrand Aristide was forced from power in a violent rebellion nearly two years ago.” Who was rebelling against whom, and why? There’s no explanation.

There’s just one missing detail: reality. The U.S. has been deeply involved in preventing Haiti’s success since Woodrow Wilson’s 1915 invasion.¹ That, and Aristide — Haiti’s first democratically elected president — was ousted in a U.S. coup d’etat in 2004.²

Lawmakers and law enforcement agencies were unanimous today in their call for the general public to “respect the law.”

“This is a nation of laws, and if you break the law, you’ll pay the price,” said one U.S. Senator. “For instance, say you’re a top corporate executive of Enron, and you’ve cheated employees, shareholders, and others out of hundreds of millions of dollars. You’ll pay a steep price in legal fees to get yourself out of trouble. That, my fellow citizens, is a little thing called justice.”

California police chiefs agreed: “As police leaders, we have a profound respect for the law. That’s why if you get caught stealing bread three times in our state, we’ll proudly help you begin your mandatory 25 year jail sentence.”

“I love the law,” added one billionaire executive. “And if loving the law is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. Without laws, I wouldn’t have made 321 times more than the average employee of my company last year.”

However, some right-wing Supreme Court Judges conceded that not all laws are perfect. “Sometimes laws can be murky. For instance, 17th century Virginia lawmakers tried to determine if children got by a negro woman and an American man would be slave or free. They said slave — correctly, I might add. Wait, what was the question?”

In a recent interview with the New York Times, the chairman of Toyota Motor Sales U.S.A, Yukitoshi Funo, said American consumers are “really, really nice people.”

“American consumers,” declared Funo, “are more on the open-minded side, rather than closed minded. They are … they are … really, really nice people … nice customers.”

The Japanese car company sold roughly 7.5 million cars in 2004, 2 million of which were purchased by U.S. residents.¹ The Toyota Camry is the best-selling car in the US.²

Some Americans have recently expressed concern at the impact of Japanese cars on American companies like Ford and GM. The Times interviewer described the political situation as “touchy.” But Funo disagreed. “Each country have a different situation,” he said. “American consumers are more on the open-minded side. . . . That’s the reason we’re successful, and how much we are thankful to the American consumers.”

The U.S. contains 5% of the world’s population but accounts for 26% of the world’s oil consumption.³

BBC has thoroughly covered Toyota’s perspective on a recent auto worker strike in India. At one point, the BBC quotes Toyota’s general manager at the striking plant, saying: “We would like to restore normalcy as soon as possible, but at the same time we would not like to compromise on discipline.”

The perspective of the factory’s workers is not mentioned.

Quoting extensively from the Toyota manager, the BBC drew a comparison with a recent Honda strike — one that cost Honda millions of dollars. The BBC does not mention why the Honda workers were on strike.

(For more information, visit Indian Express)

An exclusive organ analysis has revealed that TV psychologist Dr. Phil knows everything. Advising the public on matters from personal finance to “affair-proofing” marriages, Dr. Phil always knows the perfect solution.

Dr. Phil got a B.S, M.A. and Ph.D. in clinical psychology from North Texas State University. Experts suspect it was during this time that he discovered “a complete knowledge of the universe.”

Sometimes an absolute understanding of all things can be isolating, but in Dr. Phil’s case it led to frequent appearances on the Oprah Winfrey show. It was there that he first helped millions of viewers “get real about their own behavior.”¹

Sadly, a new class action suit claims Dr. Phil’s dieting products are fraudulent. Recently obtained emails written by Dr. Phil himself say that he had “no expertise” in the subject. This seems to contradict his own advice: “Don’t embarrass yourself or put yourself in a situation where you’ll look back and feel humiliated.”² But such apparent contradictions can be written off as the mystery of profound genius.

In a move experts are calling “unsurprising” and “completely obvious,” corporations have resolved to increase the value of their stock shares for 2006.

For instance, Business Wire is reporting that “Allegheny Technologies Incorporated (NYSE:ATI) today announced actions designed to continue to increase shareholder value.”

One expert yawned while reading that Circuit City is committed to “upgrade, evolve and innovate our business and increase shareholder value.”¹ “I’m so bored by this topic that even the slightest discussion of anything else would, by comparison, be akin to sexual ecstasy,” he concluded.

“There’s really nothing to say,” noted one rhyming financial analyst. “Corporations exist to increase shareholder value, so this isn’t really news per se. Come what may, they’d do the same thing anyway. Have a nice day. OK?”

However, Chinese sweatshop laborers breathed a sigh of relief at the news. According to one Chinese labor representative, “If Wal-Mart had changed its mission to accommodate social concerns over profit, we might have some free time and spending money. Imagine our hopeless, desperate confusion as we tried manage our own affairs!”