Only 12.6 percent — or one in eight — black men in their late 20s currently provide wealthy white folks with mandatory prison labor, lamented super-rich white people nationwide today.

This is down significantly from the height of the slavery movement in 1850. At that time, roughly 87 percent of black men were slaves in southern plantations.¹

“Dammit!” cried Lehman Brothers, Inc. CEO Richard S. Fuld Jr at a recent shareholders meeting. Lehman Brothers has made millions in private prison industry financing.² “Those were simpler times. An average exorbitantly wealthy white man like myself could count on forced labor from most every male negro. Now seven out of eight of them are free to choose their own vocation. Granted, we still pay the free ones extremely little, but give me a break: wage slave and authentic slave are two entirely different animals.”

Added Fuld: “And it’s even worse with the negresses!”

Still, most super-rich white people were happy to be in the U.S. According to one anonymous prison industry executive, matters are “much worse” in every other industrialized nation. “In Japan, less than a tenth of a percent performs forced labor while stripped of basic human rights. How’s a billionaire to function under those primitive conditions?!”

With over 45 million Americans lacking any form of health care, one topic has recently taken center stage among major media outlets and the U.S. Supreme Court: the right of a woman to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. According to several anti-choice activists, “stopping the senseless murder of fetuses is the most important issue of the day — excluding saving marriage from those dreadful gays, of course.”

One anti-abortionist continued, “We must stop the wanton murder of fetuses. Also, let’s increase capital punishment, because frankly, if you try to murder a fetus, you deserve the death penalty. How else can we foster a culture of life?”

Many anti-choice activists also strongly support the Iraq war, which recently claimed its 2,000th U.S. victim. The war has also caused the murder of tens of thousands of Iraqi women and children, while costing U.S. taxpayers over $200 billion — enough to provide universal health care several times over.

“There is no confusion here,” explained one anti-abortionist. “If poor people would get jobs and stop spending all their money on abortions, we wouldn’t need to spend money on healthcare. And because of terrorism, if we don’t kill Iraqis, people will die. So you see, we’re killing people in a foreign country to save lives. I’m talking about a culture of life, here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got bacon and eggs waiting for me at home. I love eating eggs.”

For more information about abortion rights, see Planned Parenthood’s talking points.