With the threat of terrorism increasing daily, the vigilant leaders of New York City have taken unprecedented — and perfect — safety precautions.

Random bag checks

Loudspeaker on subway: “Effective July 22nd, all backpacks, parcels and bags are subject to random search by the New York City Police Department.”

Fourth Amendment of US Constitution: “The right of the people to be secure … against unreasonable searches … shall not be violated … but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

Even putting aside this opportunity to forego our constitutional rights, none can argue that random bag searches aren’t absolutely useful. None. OK, maybe one or two.

Constant, repetitive announcements by train conductors
The more people hear about “suspicious packages,” remaining alert, and having a “safe day,” the more they want to slit their wrists — an effective counter-terror measure. With people already dead, terrorists will have to be extra vigilant to kill them with their suspicious packages.

Passengers should always “remain wary of suspicious behavior.” They should also “report exposed wiring [ipods?] or other irregularities [skin blemishes?].”

Based on these scientific concepts and the available data, the MTA has come up with a composite of who to avoid on the train and platform areas:

Soldiers wearing camouflage and carrying machine guns in subway stations
This pretty much speaks for itself. Just to spell it out: camouflaged guards are invisible to terrorists, and machine gun bullets are great for deactivating bombs or anthrax.

Together with the NYPD and NYC Transit, we can stop terrorism — and terror itself as an emotion — in its “tracks.”

USA Today’s analysis derives from a rigorous scientific survey the newspaper conducted outside multiplexes in three cities. One 11-year-old survey respondent screamed that Ralph Fiennes “did a really good job at making Voldemort evil.” Similarly, after watching the movie, six-year-old Chris from LA shouted uncontrollably: “I liked the dragons because they’re spikey.” The third fan in the study, 45-year-old songwriter Riley Dowling, delightedly yelled at the top of his lungs that the film has “a good moral” for young people. Piecing together the evidence, USA Today correctly concluded that Harry Potter fans are screaming with delight.

Other recent USA Today studies that have broken scientific ground include: Goblet of Fire keeps wizard tales hot and ‘Potter’ series casts a spell over entire genre.